Youthful urges

A friend and I began using this old house for a clubhouse. We began innocently and then began to get naked and play cards and smoke. Then we began masturbation that led to mutual masturbation. We would lie together and rub out bodies together and speculate how it would be to be with a girl. We didn't have intercourse, but everything short of that. After a while it all ended and his parents moved out of the area and I was left with lonely empty guilty feelings. It's been 30 years and I still feel guilty about what I did. I just never feel forgiven enough and it haunts me that I can't find him and put a final finish and conclusion to the story. I have tried to act out the pleasure in bathrooms, showers, bushes and other areas with dozens of different people but it just doesn't go away the feelings and it just lingers on and on. Abstaning from behavior like this only lasts so long and temptation steps in and their I go again down the path. Two marriages have only put a bandage on the feelings and prevents full disclosure of the past failures.