A clergywoman's confession

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

I am a blonde cantor at a well-known New Jersey shul. In 2008, I invited an old friend who had helped me with many things into my home to keep me company because I considered the town where I was working in Bergen County cold, isolated and unfriendly, and I was lonely and missed the atmosphere and warmth of Albuquerque. This was a dear friend who among other things had helped me move, been a shoulder to cry on when I was fired by my last shul for adultery with a congregant, and advised me through some of the worst months of my life. I lied to her and made her trust me enough to leave her home in Brooklyn and move in with me "for free". The next 4 months would become the worst of hers.

While she was living in my home, I couldn't resist - she was so nice, she seemed sort of like a doormat, and I am very dominant by nature - I began threatening her and coercing her to work as a servant for me, for free. It was easy. She'd moved all her belongings into my house and was isolated with no friends in Jersey, so I warned her I would put her out on the street if she didn't obey my every whim. With a new slave, kept secret from the shul and the world, I made her do the following:

Create a complete television show for me - she was a former producer, and I needed a kids' show made with all the trappings, but I'm $95,000.00 in debt and couldn't afford a million-dollar TV show... so I couldn't resist making her make one for me, and she did, and I used it. Make websites for my friends for free. What a creative girl she was. So good at everything except defending herself from me. Every attempt she made to do so, I foiled by lying about her to everyone. I made her get up early in the morning to shovel snow from my large driveway and clear ice and snow off my car. I made her go out late at night and buy kosher groceries for me late at night and never paid her for them. I made her vacuum my home, scrub cat vomit, hairballs, urine and feces from my rug, tidy my room, clean my bathroom and arrange things in my garage. I made her cook and wash dishes for me. I even made her prepare the house for when my various boyfriends came over.

I finally pushed her too far one Saturday morning when she needed time away to tend to her own business, making a show for children that was her own creation. I sensed she was building strength and planning to escape me. I was terrified. So to interfere, I demanded she put on a puppet show for me at Ridgewood's Got Talent, an amateur talent show at the shul, at the exact time she needed to be alone working. When she politely declined, I began drinking, became a little drunk, and terrified her by screaming at and threatening her, even threatening her life. The poor girl fled my house. Well, the next day I felt so bad and apologized to her. She said she would forgive me - what a shlemiel - but it would take time.

That angered me. After all I had done for her, how dare she not forgive me instantly. I watched and waited until she left the house on an errand, then called a locksmith and paid him to change the locks on my house, trapping my servant outdoors in 36-degree weather. It was especially fun because all her clothing and belongings were locked inside my house. I enjoyed listening to the police call me demanding I unlock the residence and let her obtain her things. I watched and laughed as she sadly came and got her things and moved onto the street.

After my slave was gone, I told the entire city of Ridgewood the black girl had threatened my life and that was why I kicked her out. Because everyone will believe a blonde cantor, and all black people are scary, wouldn't you know it? The entire shul believed me, and not her, and the poor thing moved away. (Unfortunately, she is doing extremely well without me now in New York City, and I loathe that.)

I am in my late Fifties, I'm a radioactive blonde with a wide lower body half, and I have a very Irish sounding name and a gay red-haired son. I'm pretty hard to miss if you happen to come across this posting because Gd gave you a strange feeling in the pit of your stomach after meeting me, and I want to come sing at your synagogue. Likely he is trying to protect you.

By the way, I am not really Jewish. The idea of confession is pretty natural to me, considering I am an Irish-American Catholic convert who secretly eats pork and shellfish on dates (as long as it's outside my house it's all right), drives on shabbat, and violates many other Talmudic laws. I told the black girl I was only going to be cantor long enough to find and marry a wealthy Jewish man, and then I am getting out because I actually don't care about Judaism - just Jewish men. All Jews are rich, you know, and I have told people "I want to marry one who will take care of me so I no longer have to work". I don't want that information about me to get out widely, however. Just fall under my spell, listen to me sing at your next get, believe my PR, and do not ever - ever - take a closer look at why I was fired from B'nai or ask about what I did with L. Levy's husband while there.